qzeebrella: (balcony buddies)
[personal profile] qzeebrella
Title: I Will Remember
Author: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Boston Legal
Rating: pg
Pairing: Denny Crane/Alan Shore
Summary: Alan holds Denny as Denny sleeps.
Warnings: angst, mention of Alzheimer's and euthenasia
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to David E. Kelley and ABC. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: inspired by "A Little Less Conversation" Boston Legal vid and by "Alzheimers Speech by Alan Shore"
***



I lay in bed with you. Hold you safe in my arms. And I know, I know I would do anything to freeze this moment in time. Where all there is in the world is you and me, us. Side by side.

Best friends through everything life has thrown at us. But I know, oh god I know, that this moment will pass and that you will eventually wake and then... maybe you will recognize me. But maybe you won't. Maybe I will be a stranger to you again. And you will fear me. You will strike at me. Push me out of bed. You will yell at me and curse me and you will look at me as if I am a monster. And I will swallow tears. For I will remember...

I will remember years full of days in which you and I sat together on a balcony smoking cigars. Years of days in which you phoned me just to rant or tell me a story or invite me over to your place for a sleep over. Years of days in which we worked side by side as lawyers and friends doing our best to represent our clients.

I will remember the day I fought for us. For our right to marry just so I'd have the right to make decisions on your behalf. Just so I could act as your friend as you slipped further and further into the endless depth of confusion your "mad cow" brought upon you. So I could do everything I can to help you every day, even though every day Alzheimer's seems to steel a little bit more of what makes Denny Crane, Denny Crane away from you and me, away from us.

I will remember every time we went camping. Every time we shared a bed. Every time we danced together. The way we used to hold hands on that balcony of ours. I will remember a vibrant man who I love as my best friend. I will remember the love of my life, you. And I will remember every little moment we have shared.

But you... when you wake, whether it is in an hour or a minute. Maybe you will remember me. But maybe you won't. Maybe you won't even remember yourself. And I hate it. I hate watching you disappear on me. But I will continue doing so. For I promised to remain at your side "through sickness and health" and through the mad cow. And I will be here for you until the time comes when I know you would not want to be here any longer. And then I will remember my promise to you, to end the suffering, to end the pain. And I will end it. Then I will hold you one last time.

And cry.

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November 2012

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