So, I was recently talking to someone on my flist who was doing some self-examining and mentioned, "I don't know what you believe..." in regards to religious faith. And it made me pause for more than a moment for I suddenly realized that it had been awhile since I asked myself that and because it had been awhile, I wasn't entirely sure what I believed, if anything anymore. I thought about it for a long while, then went on with my daily life, still not sure where I stood in regards to my religious/personal beliefs. The fact my brain and soul just sort of lapsed into a type of shock from not knowing, made me think about this on and off ever since.
Then I wrote a fic series from the POV of a character who was raised in a fairly different belief system than I was, though there were some similarities. Like we shared a half of a bible, the character forming his beliefs from the torah and the talmud, me from the bible, both old and new testament. After finishing this series and sending it off to a beta, I realized I wouldn't be able to figure out where I am now in regards to my personal beliefs unless I examined where I had been so far.
This led to a deeply personal poem, one of the longest I have written. I wrote it today, starting it in one building, continuing in another nearby building, walking a bit and stopping to write a few more lines, going to a different area of the city and writing a bit more. Then walking and stopping as lines came to me and even walking and writing at the same time, in a very quiet parking lot, so as to get down what I needed to say. I then went to yet another building, a local mall and walked and stopped, wrote and thought, walked some more, talked to an aquaintance I hadn't seen lately and then walking a bit more, sitting, writing and finally finishing the poem.
As I said, it's a deeply personal poem. One long section of it bringing me close to tears as I wrote it for how it made me remember a very dark period of my life and what that dark period felt like. ( This is the result )
Though I mention having joined two different faiths in here, I don't name them. Though some of you may guess what they were privately, please do not share your suspicions here for there is a reason I don't name them. After all, for all I know, one of you belongs to one of those two faiths that weren't right for me, but may be perfectly right for you.