qzeebrella: (nikitatwo)
My cat has been very sick lately to the point where she is now 2 pounds underweight for a female adult cat. I took her to the vet last Wednesday and the vet said "well we can't be sure what is wrong with her without an ultrasound but it might be arthritis. We could try giving her pain medication and antacid to prevent nausea and see how that works. We would know within a few days if that works."

She was sick again Thursday but not yesterday. Unfortunately she has been very traumatized every time I've given her the medication and is now running from me every time I try to approach her even when it's just me on my way to the bathroom or something. I think my holding her down and forcing her chin up so as to give her the liquid medication is reminding her of her last humans treatment of her. She was abused by her last owner and when I first got her she used to run and hide whenever I walked by her. It was months before she stopped doing that. I hate that she's running every time I walk towards her again. It's not fair to her and not fair to me either.

So the treatment I gave to her this morning is the last I will give her. I refuse to traumatize her further. Tomorrow I shall cuddle her and give her her favourite treat. Monday afternoon I will take her into the vet again and let her go. She might not be obviously suffering yet but she is sliding downhill slowly and I do not think it is fair to her to let her die by inches when there is a humane way to let her go.

I am now thinking of my first cat Garfield and all the other cats my family has had over the years. Of how I picture them in kitty heaven and am trying to think of letting Nikita go as her going to be with them. Gaining a family. Maybe being taught how to catch birds by Frantic - our lady cat who desperately tried to teach Garfield how to hunt and was frustrated by his complete and utter disinterest in even trying to. Of Garfield cuddling Nikita and grooming her. Of our tuxedo cat Nightmare befriending her. And so on. It's helping a little but it is still so hard. She's been with be for 13 or 14 years now and I don't want to lose her but I know it's time.

I fear the vet will go "well so that didn't work, we could try this instead..." which will put into my mind "isn't she worth the attempt?" Which, if it could be guaranteed to work, it would be. Except for the fact that my catching her to hold her down for any treatment will traumatize her and probably cause her to run away from me every time I walk near, which no. I can't do that. I just hate that I'm feeling guilty about this either way. I hope that I can stay strong for Nikita on Monday and do what's best for her.
qzeebrella: (Default)
There is apparently a bill proposed in the American Senate which would give the president the sweeping power/ability to quote: order the detention--without charge or trial--of any person even suspected of being associated with a "terrorist organization." unquote.

To read more about the bill go to "Georeg Takei's blog" which is where I read about it. I am hoping a bill like this will not be passed because the very idea of having internment camps again in a supposedly free country like the United States. Especially since it could lead to a slippery slope to where other people/groups are interned for other reasons.


First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Attributed to: pastor Martin Niemöller
qzeebrella: (abstract smiley)

So, qzee, your LiveJournal reveals…

You are… 6% unique (blame, for example, your interest in tim o’neil), 27% peculiar, 44% interesting, 10% normal and 13% herdlike (partly because you, like everyone else, enjoy star trek). When it comes to friends you are popular. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are wary of trusting strangers. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is conventional.

Your overall weirdness is: 38

(The average level of weirdness is: 28.
You are weirder than 78% of other LJers.)

Find out what your weirdness level is!

qzeebrella: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd] the monster! OMG! There's a monster in there! HELP!


Aug. 18th, 2011 12:51 pm
qzeebrella: (Default)
so. managed to get 11 hours of "come in and sit at desk to free up someone else" work. leaving me worried about rent etc. tomorrow i go in for 2pm to 11pm potentially. hour of training for work i can do one handed. then potential normal hours right back to being normal again. may still need to ask for the "haven't taken vacation so this vacation pay has accrued" money to help but at least i don't have to worry too much about the roof over my head and every thing else. so, yay.

also, wrist officially sprained, arm bad bruise. so, still ow but i will live.
qzeebrella: (orangeyellowbutterfly)
I treated myself out to breakfast this morning at a "mom and pop" diner. I had their french toast with peaches option and every bite was a bite full of happiness. I made happy noises as I ate each bit of toast with peaches and sauce. There was just enough peaches for all the french toast and I kept swirling the toast in the sauce in order to get every bit of goodness I could. I have every intention of going back one day, assuming I can remember how to get there because I found the place while "temporarily misplaced." Okay, I admit it, I was lost. I tried to take a different route somewhere, got turned around, saw the mom and pop diner, was hungry, so I took a chance and stopped.

I did write down the address of the place so maybe I have a chance of finding it again. I sure hope so. Their breakfast was very good and at a fairly reasonable price.
qzeebrella: (balcony buddies)
Title: I Will Remember
Author: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Boston Legal
Rating: pg
Pairing: Denny Crane/Alan Shore
Summary: Alan holds Denny as Denny sleeps.
Warnings: angst, mention of Alzheimer's and euthenasia
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to David E. Kelley and ABC. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: inspired by "A Little Less Conversation" Boston Legal vid and by "Alzheimers Speech by Alan Shore"
***for the story )
qzeebrella: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd] actually I did bump into a former classmate who terrorized me in junior high and high school a few years ago. He came up to me and said, "I'd like to apologize for how I treated you..." and we talked for a few minutes. He was truly apologetic and obviously regretted his past actions. It felt good to get the apology and though I could forgive him, I'll never forget what he did or forget how it affected me. If I ever come across him again, I might stop for a minute or two to talk but I'll never see him as anything other than someone I once knew, someone who was once an idiot and a bully, someone who I could never see as a potential friend.
qzeebrella: (mirrorbutterfly)
A short while ago, I learned that someone on my flist, the wonderfully talented [livejournal.com profile] aeteananke is in the fight of her life. As another person on my flist put it: "A few months ago she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and was undergoing radiation/chemotherapy. She could not keep up with anything on the computer because it was too difficult to read. I was hoping that not hearing anything meant she was getting better."

Unfortunately she's taken a serious turn for the worse, so I'm asking everyone on my flist, please Pray for her/her family, think of her, hope for her, will her to fight, whatever. Just keep her in your minds if she can. I know I want her around for many years to come. And if know of her drop by [livejournal.com profile] xandri 's journal and leave a message there for her family to pass along.

*hopes as hard as I can for AA*
qzeebrella: (anevilQzee)
[Error: unknown template qotd] Well, I think Ebenezer Scrooge would agree that incorporeal punishment is scarrier and thus more effective.

e.t.a. rats, they fixed the typo. The question was "How do you feel about corporeal punishment" which amused me and lots of other people greatly.
qzeebrella: (fearmyevil)
Title: Twenty Essential Things Everyone Should Know When It Comes To Snorkacks by Luna Lovegood
Author/Related by: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Harry Potter
Category: gen
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to J.K. Rowling et al. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: for the
The Harry Potter Random Facts Fest

Twenty Essential Things )
qzeebrella: (anevilQzee)
Title: 20 Random Facts About Minerva McGonagall
Fandom: Harry Potter
Category: gen
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to J.K. Rowling et al. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: for the
The Harry Potter Random Facts Fest


20 Random Facts About Minerva McGonagall )
qzeebrella: (green spider)
Title: 20 Random Facts About Aragog (a.k.a the really big spider in the Harry Potter books)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Category: gen
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to J.K. Rowling et al. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: for the
The Harry Potter Random Facts Fest

***20 Random Facts About Aragog )
qzeebrella: (Default)
okay, I chose to set the jounal to "discretion advised" when I created it as I wasn't sure how to make it friendslocked. Now that I figured it out, I want it changed to whatever the normal setting is, but how do I do that?

For those of you on dreamwidth, link me to you DW accounts and I'll friend you.

Any tips on how to find people? Communities? etc.


This entry was originally posted at http://qzee.dreamwidth.org/375497.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
qzeebrella: (canadiancombadge)
okay, I have a possibly weird question for any of my flist who would like to chime in with an opinion. I especially would like to hear from the Americans on my list about the below question, but it would also be very interesting to hear what the flisters from other places besides the US think of it to. So here goes, with some background first...

in 1995 "Quebec voted on whether to separate from Canada" and become it's own sovereign nation. It was huge news here in Canada and there is still an active Separist movement, though it doesn't seem to be moving for another plebicite in the near future. The question that occured to me was:

"Okay, so there are a lot of Mormons (Latter Day Saints) in Utah and a lot of their beliefs are unique to their faith, if they all got together and started pushing for the Utah senate to hold a referendum on whether or not to separate from the U.S.A. and become their own independent nation, what would happen?"

So? Opinions? Thoughts? Is it even theoretically possible for one of the states within the United States to separate? A very curious and sometimes odd Canadian wants to know.
qzeebrella: (easygreenspock)
I slowed down and stopped at a light on my way to drop off my timeslip to work, one that turned yellow as I was still a few feet away from it and red by the time I came to a stop. (I was far enough away from the intersection that I knew I would be unable to clear it by the time the light turned red.) Someone behind me honked me for as long as the light was red. Then as soon as we turned, he passed me on the right, yelled out his window at me, and then tried to cut me off. Once right in front of me he slammed on his breaks. I stopped. He span his tires and sped off. I let him go. Caught up to him at the next lights, ignored him. Etc. We ended up at five different intersections, me just behind and to the right of him before we parted ways.

As far as I know, I did nothing wrong and I was doing what I could NOT to escalate the situation (even to the point of making sure I didn't look his way whenever we got stopped at the same intersection and giving his car plenty of room.) It is my impression that you are supposed to slow down for a stop when you see a traffic light go yellow as you approach the intersection and even if I'm one of the few people in the city to do so, I'm still going to do so. It's the safe thing to do. At least in my opinion. And no honking mad man will make me change what I see as a safe driving habit.
qzeebrella: (anevilQzee)
okay... my computer says that today is Friday the fourth. A website I went to, to check on something says it is Friday the fourth. My local weather channel says that today is Thursday the third and LJ happens to think it is Thursday the 3rd also. So...

What day is it?

I have Friday off, so if today is Friday I don't need to go into work. BUT if today is Thursday I have to head out for work in an hour and a half. Anyone out there know what today is? *confused*
qzeebrella: (butterflyonflower)
I just bought myself a new pair of walking shoes. They came with an extra pair of laces. These laces happen to be purple. I just removed the white laces that were already in the eyelets and put the purple ones on for no other reason than THEY'RE PURPLE!
qzeebrella: (butterflyonflower)
In light of Andrew Koenig's untimely death "through suicide" I will speak of something I've talked about here once, a few years ago.

When I was in high school I went through a period in which I was incredibly depressed and suicidal. I was in an incredible amount of emotional pain. My heart ached so much, all the time and all I could think of was, that if I was dead I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I saw no future for me. No possibility of the pain ever going away. All I could focus on, in my mind, was the pain I was feeling. Of how all the things in my life at the time just increased the pain I felt. And worse, I didn't think there was anyone I could talk to about it at the time.

My parents were screaming and fighting with each other almost every time they were in the same room. My older sister was going through a rebellious teen age phaze and taking it out on me a bit because I was "the good, quiet" kid by being a bit of a bully. My brother was acting out through minor acts of violence and an anger that I was sometimes terrified of (besides he's younger and, really, how many teen girls would confide in their younger brother?) My younger sister was only 7 or eight. None of the teachers I had at the time were of the sort I would have felt comfortable confiding in what I so desperately needed to confide and, as far as I knew at the time there was no one else I could talk to.

We weren't religious, so no minister, and even if we had a minister would have been a virtual stranger so that would likely have been out for me too. Just one really close friend, but her family situation was worse than mine in so many ways that I couldn't see me "burdening" her with how hopeless I was feeling.

While I was feeling all of this hopeless, endless, depthless pain, I kept going to the knives we had and fingering them (when no one was around) and wondering if I could stand the pain of killing myself that way. For various reasons, that method did not appeal to me. Too much potential pain. I just wanted to go to sleep. After several months feeling this way and thinking of other ways I could end it all (step in front of a vehicle on a nearby highway, jumping off a building head first, etc.) I was taken by my mother to the doctor for bronchitis or pneumonia. He prescribed a heavy antibiotic and prescription strength sleeping pills. We went home.

I wrote a lot of angsty poetry, wrote a goodbye note that I hid under the huge mess in my room, and two days after I was given the prescription strength sleeping pills I headed out with all the pills that were left and headed for one of my "thinking spots." One that was fairly secluded. I had around 20 to 30 pills and some water. I took all of the pills. Lay down and waited to fall asleep. Thinking I would never wake up. I got really, really tired. Nearly fell asleep, when I heard voices nearby. I didn't want to be found, so I struggled to my feet, intending on just getting away, to somewhere more secluded where I could lay down and sleep and not be interrupted. I kept stumbling, falling to the ground, ever so tempted just to lay wherever I fell and then hearing a car or something and thinking, "I can't stop here." Stumbling back to my feet and going on. After falling a few times, I suddenly felt a surge of happiness flow through me. A surge of hope and I realized that maybe, just maybe life was worth it. Maybe it was worth giving a chance.

So I began fighting how tired I felt. Walking, stumbling, walking, stumbling. Hours later, when it was nearly dark (I had taken the pills around lunch) I stumbled back home where my mom was in the truck, about to head into town for groceries. I went with her. That night I fought sleep hard. The next day, around noon I fell asleep and slept nearly 24 hours. I really do not know what would have happened if I had just stayed where I was in the beginning, what would have happened if I had ignored the voices and just let myself fall asleep, but I still think if I had ignored the voices I would be dead now and I am so glad I am not. That I am alive.

Now, being glad to be alive didn't happen overnight. It was a struggle. A struggle for months later not to try again. A struggle to fight the pain and anguish I was feeling. But I held tightly to the memory of that surge of happiness and hope. I kept looking for little things to be happy for and holding onto those little things as tightly as I could. Slowly I crawled out of the deep hole of depression. Slowly I began seeing the good in life. Slowly I began to see that life could be mostly good.

In the over twenty years since then I have struggled on and off with depression. I've even struggled against the temptation of taking up a knife and ending it all. But, even in my darkest hours since then, I've remembered there is hope. Life can get better. I can have happiness in my life. It may be that I am in a low wage job, doing menial work, I may be a loner with just a whole bunch of online friends and a family that loves me and a cat that bosses me around, but I do make a difference in life. Every day I work, I make a difference to the patient I help. Every time I do a random act of kindness for someone, I make a difference. Everytime I do my best to live a life where I do meaningful to me work, allow myself to find joy and fullfillment in learning something new even though it will never lead to a degree, everytime I write or am creative in some other way I find enjoyment (is that a word?), everytime I just do the "same old, same old" its worth it. For each day brings something I'm grateful for, even if only that "hey I got to read (or reread) that great story and daydream a bit and just be me." It's worth it. For I think just being me is a great thing to be, even if I make only the tiniest difference as I pass through life.

"suicide prevention links" for Canada and the U.S.

"suicide prevention tips"
Also has tips on helping a suicidal person reach out for life.

"Warning signs"

If outside of North America and know of links for suicide prevention, link them here and I'll add them to the post.
qzeebrella: (mirrorbutterfly)
Hiram The Hippopotamus's Hanukkah
By Qzeebrella
Author's note: Just like Hiram, I do not know if it is appropriate or not to make wishes on Hannukah candles. However, I do hope all of you who celebrate Hanukkah, or read this fic, or both enjoy this story.
Hiram the Hippopotamus's Hanukkah )
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