The Journey

[qzeebrella]

So, I was recently talking to someone on my flist who was doing some self-examining and mentioned, "I don't know what you believe..." in regards to religious faith. And it made me pause for more than a moment for I suddenly realized that it had been awhile since I asked myself that and because it had been awhile, I wasn't entirely sure what I believed, if anything anymore. I thought about it for a long while, then went on with my daily life, still not sure where I stood in regards to my religious/personal beliefs. The fact my brain and soul just sort of lapsed into a type of shock from not knowing, made me think about this on and off ever since.

Then I wrote a fic series from the POV of a character who was raised in a fairly different belief system than I was, though there were some similarities. Like we shared a half of a bible, the character forming his beliefs from the torah and the talmud, me from the bible, both old and new testament. After finishing this series and sending it off to a beta, I realized I wouldn't be able to figure out where I am now in regards to my personal beliefs unless I examined where I had been so far.

This led to a deeply personal poem, one of the longest I have written. I wrote it today, starting it in one building, continuing in another nearby building, walking a bit and stopping to write a few more lines, going to a different area of the city and writing a bit more. Then walking and stopping as lines came to me and even walking and writing at the same time, in a very quiet parking lot, so as to get down what I needed to say. I then went to yet another building, a local mall and walked and stopped, wrote and thought, walked some more, talked to an aquaintance I hadn't seen lately and then walking a bit more, sitting, writing and finally finishing the poem.

As I said, it's a deeply personal poem. One long section of it bringing me close to tears as I wrote it for how it made me remember a very dark period of my life and what that dark period felt like.



The Journey, by Qzee

It started with a mix
Of youthful wonder and a childish belief
That anything was possible
A mix of what I learned
From infrequent visits to church
To occasional teachings
From grandparents and others
Where God was a mix
Of myth and reality
Someone I was sure existed
As much as Santa Claus did
Someone who watched over me
While I slept
And kept constant track
Of whether I was good or bad

As I approached adolescence
I began to realize
That I had
   a searching soul
   a longing for more
   a need to find meaning
In my life

At first I looked into
The Catholic church
And all its teachings
For this is where 
My one grandmother found meaning
I dove in head first
Immersed myself in what I assumed
   was belief
I was like a little kid
With a new toy
And for a time I found
Ecstasy
But it didn't last
For I was only toying with faith
And not really making it my own.

Then the questions started
About faith and science
And whether they could walk
   hand in hand
About why things were
   the way they were
And doubts crept in
When all the questions
Went unanswered

I despaired
I grieved
I screamed and cried and raged
For the hole inside my soul ached
And the teachings of the church
Could not fill it.

I spiralled down
Bottomed out
And the pain grew to be
Oh too much to bear
I was in agony
An agony of soul, heart and mind
An agony I was sure
Would never end
And a terrible desperation
Took hold of me
Squeezed me and tore at me
Haunted and pursued me
Until it convinced me
That there was no way
   to escape.

I would say I was at the end of my rope
But the truth is
I could no longer cling
To the very last thread of the rope
For the rope snapped
Stinging me with its breaking
And I let go of
That very last thread
I plummeted
And the desperation whispered to me
Convinced me that the only escape
   Was death.

The only thought
As I took the pills
"At least I won't be in pain
   anymore."

As I sat in an unused shack
A bit of a distance from home
I grew tired
I was groggy
And about to slip
Into the darkness of sleep
Possibly for the last time
When I heard my mother calling
And was impelled to get away
To stand and walk and stumble away

I don't remember much
Of the next few hours
All I do remember
Is that every time I grew tired
Every time I nearly fell
Every time I wanted to stop
And lay down
And let sleep take me
Something pushed me to keep going

And I mean that literally.

It was as if 
An invisible hand pushed me
Pulled me
Dragged me up when I fell
And forced me to keep going
And today
Today I am sure
That if it weren't for that hand
I would not be here.

And as soon as I had healed a little bit
And was no longer in unbearable pain
I went looking for the source
Of that invisible hand
And soon a good friend
Introduced me to what I THOUGHT 
   was the source
A faith supposedly scripturally based
One that supposedly followed all
Of the bible's teachings
And I fell in love with that faith

Head over heals
Crazy in love with it
I lived, breathed, and dined
On the beliefs of that faith
And eventually
Ever so slowly
The crazy ecstasy of first love faded
And I began to see
That faith's faults
And saw that they picked and chose
Which little bits of scripture
To focus on
And endlessly repeat

Every little thing that supported
Their core beliefs
That illustrated why they forbade
Certain things
Was drawn out time and time again
As proof they were following
   the Word Of God
Even if the proofs
Amounted to two or three quotes
Taken out of context
And never looked at
In regards to historical background
Into the reasons behind
Why such a thing was forbidden.

Yet other things frowned upon
Just as much
   if not more
Were ignored because
"Pig meat can be cooked properly now."

I became disillusioned 
And fell out of love
And eventually drifted
Out of that church
And out of that faith
That I had been so certain
Was the one, true faith.

After a year or two
I went looking for a church
For all the wrong reasons
I was lonely
And needed human contact
Outside of work
Which is where everyone I knew
   at the time
Was.

I missed the companionship
The sharing of thoughts
And the feeling of belonging
That the old faith gave me
But I knew I could not go back
To the faith I used to love
For I could no longer 
Truly believe their teachings.

So I went to a church
That had dances once a week
   for young people
To meet and get together
To socialize and possibly become friends
As well as other activities
Where you could meet others
Talk with them
And possibly find friendship

I joined this church
In spite of the fact
I could not bring myself to believe
   it's teachings
For it's teachings were plainly ridiculous
To anyone with a very basic knowledge
Of history
None of their religious books 
Could be backed up by proof
Of any kind
Not even one shred of archaeological evidence
Could be found to support the church's claim
That great cities and nations 
Used to exist
Where they were trying to claim they existed
And yet I still joined.

For the sense of companionship
For the outside of work human contact
For the opportunity to talk
And to exchange ideas
But I came to realize 
That supporting a church
For all the wrong reasons,
That implying through the joining
That I believed what they taught
Was an egregious lie
And one I was unwilling to pretend to myself
That I believed
So, I left that faith
I left that church behind
And took some time to myself
To examine just what it is
   I believe in,
If anything.

I came to believe in something
That a basic force of goodness
Call it God or Allah or George
Is doing what it can to guide us
To show us the direction
   in which we need to go
In order to find inner happiness.

I came to believe
That I must perform acts of kindness
In order to receive kindness.

I came to believe
That I needed to learn
   how to love myself
In order to find a happiness
   that would last.

I came to believe
That in order to be true to myself
I must first learn who I was
And I set about discovering
The various hidden facets
To my innermost being.

I learned to love myself
I learned to accept myself
Faults and all
And I learned how to stand up for myself
How to speak up for myself
And how to balance that
With the need I had
To perform acts of kindness.

I learned how to balance the need
To stick up for myself
With the responsibility
Of respecting other's beliefs
Even when I don't share them
Especially if their beliefs are contrary
To all I have come to believe.

So for now I shall allow
That basic force of goodness
To influence my actions
And guide me in the way I should go
In order to retain
The happiness I feel now
And the self-acceptance
   and even love
That I worked so hard for.

And should it guide me 
To a church again
I will step cautiously
In the hopes 
That the crazy ecstasy of falling in love
Does not blind me
When it comes to
What the church's faults are
I will step cautiously
In the hopes that I will see
If that church
Is truly right for me
   faults and all.

But for now
I am content
To worship that force of basic goodness
In my own way
In my own time
And not in the way
   or at a time
That a church dictates.

The end.



Though I mention having joined two different faiths in here, I don't name them. Though some of you may guess what they were privately, please do not share your suspicions here for there is a reason I don't name them. After all, for all I know, one of you belongs to one of those two faiths that weren't right for me, but may be perfectly right for you.